Regrets
by M. Scott Eiland
Summary: Willow successfully helps Anya to recover her amulet . . .and gets to find out what would have happened if Angel had never lost his soul.
1. Default Chapter

Regrets  
  
Summary: Willow successfully helps Anya to recover her amulet . . .and gets to find out what would have happened if Angel had never lost his soul. Third story in my "Straight Ahead" universe.  
  
Disclaimer: These characters remain the copyrighted property of their owners/creators. . .I'm just steering them down the road not traveled.  
  
Rating: PG-13, for violence and themes.  
  
Time Frame: This story takes place in the "Straight Ahead" alternate universe, from my stories "Left and Up, or Straight Ahead?", and "Which Way?" This story takes place some time after "Which Way?", in which Xander gets together with Buffy, instead of Faith as in "The Zeppo." Readers confused by the different states of affairs in this universe are referred to the two previous stories, or you can just hang on for dear life and try to figure it out as you go along. Either way, enjoy.  
  
Archiving: Please do, but e-mail me at eilandesq@aol.com because I'm interested in where stuff I write ends up, and I'll want to see what else you've got there.  
  
REGRETS  
  
Part I  
  
Willow sat in the courtyard of the school, glumly contemplating her lunch. She had just received her fall semester grades; as usual, they were flawless. Ordinarily, she would be enjoying that feeling a lot more, but she had other things on her mind.   
  
As if summoned, the cause of her discontent walked across the other side of the courtyard. Xander and Buffy were smiling and laughing, and as Willow watched, Xander leaned down and kissed Buffy's cheek, causing her to look up at him with a grin and causing Willow to turn away involuntarily. This is stupid, she thought, I've got Oz. . .he loves me and I love him. Why is this bothering me so much? She turned back to see that Cordelia had apparently walked close to the happy couple before spotting them: she flushed crimson and walked quickly away, with Xander and Buffy looking mildly concerned at how Cordelia seemed to be taking it. Willow sighed, thinking that it was a good thing that they believed that she was taking it all right after they talked to her. . . the last thing they needed was to be worrying about her. She finished her lunch and walked away from her friends, and didn't hear the voice calling to her at first.  
  
"Uh, Willow?" Willow turned to see a dark-haired girl who looked vaguely familiar to her. She smiled and asked, "I'm sorry, have we met?" The girl smiled and replied, "I'm Anya. Maybe you've seen me around. . .I know Cordelia." Willow frowned and commented, "Not the best recommendation in the world, Anya." Anya's face fell, and Willow felt guilty-no need to take out her own resentments on Anya. "I'm sorry, that was rude. Is there something you need help with?"  
  
Anya walked over to Willow and motioned her to a nearby bench away from the foot traffic. She looked at Willow and replied quietly, "Actually, yes. There's a little spell that I need help with, and the word around here is that you're a pretty powerful Wicca."  
  
Willow grinned, flattered at the attention that her newfound powers was getting her. "I've done more than my share involving the Art." She looked at Anya, and felt some vague premonition of danger. She frowned and asked, "This isn't anything dangerous, is it?"  
  
Anya shook her head and replied, "Oh no, I just need to recover a stolen family heirloom. I know the ritual, but I need a secondary caster gifted in the Art. Can you help me?"  
  
With misgivings, Willow agreed, and half an hour later they were kneeling in a deserted classroom, chanting a supplication to Eryishon the Endless One as Anya poured sand onto the representation of the necklace that she had lost. Though her eyes were closed, Willow could feel the power of the spell that they were casting, and it frightened her. She opened her eyes, and a rush of images so horrifying that she could not process them passed before her eyes. After a few moments, she gasped and pulled away from the circle as the glow faded from the ritual circle. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them again to see Anya taking a green necklace from the plate and clasping it around her neck. Willow, still trying to comprehend what had happened, watched as Anya seemed to wait for something to happen, then cursed, "Damn. . .I really liked that place. . .oh well." She stood there for a moment, then turned to face Willow.   
  
Willow gasped as she saw the demonic features that had replaced Anya's. She got to her feet and took a deep breath before whispering, "What happened to you, Anya?" The demon looked at Willow and smiled horribly. "The name's Anyanka, actually, and what happened is that you've given me my powers back." She saw Willow's horrified expression and quickly divined the problem, grumbling, "Oh by the Powers, Willow, you'd think that you never saw a demon before." Her features returned to those of Anya, and she looked at Willow's baffled expression. She met Willow's gaze and commented, "Here, this is quicker than explaining it to you." After an instant, images began passing before Willow's eyes. . .Cordelia, angry at Xander's betrayal, meeting Anya and wishing that Buffy had never come to Sunnydale, not realizing that her new friend was the patron demon of betrayed women who could grant that wish. . .Cordelia discovering that without Buffy the Master had risen and taken over Sunnydale, turning Xander and Willow into vampires in the process. . .Giles fighting hopelessly against the Master with the help of Oz and some of the other Sunnydale students. . .Buffy arriving in town to try to deal with the situation, while Giles tried to interpret what Cordelia had told him about Anyanka before she died. . .Angel a helpless prisoner of the Master, tortured by vampire Willow and Xander. . .the climactic battle against the Master where Buffy, Angel, and the vampire Willow and Xander died. . .and Giles, valiant to the end, had summoned Anyanka and destroyed her necklace, ending the nightmare. . .  
  
Willow blinked and stared at the demon. "So now that horrible place is going to be real again?" Ice touched her heart. . .what had she done? Anyanka shook her head and replied sadly, "No. Apparently Eyrishon chose to retrieve the necklace from the instant before I granted Cordelia's wish. . .that place now never existed. Pity. . .I really liked it." She looked at Willow, who was visibly cringing, and soothed her, "Relax, I'm not going to kill you or anything. . .in fact, I owe you a favor. What can I do for you?"  
  
Blind terror rushed through Willow as she remembered what a single idly expressed wish by Cordelia had caused, and she began backing away from the smiling demon. "Uh. . . thanks but no thanks, Anya. . .bye!" She ran recklessly from the room and through the corridors, not stopping until she burst into the library screaming, "Giles! Giles!" until the Watcher came out of his office and grabbed the terrified young woman. Buffy and Xander burst into the library a moment later, having heard of the cause of the commotion.  
  
It took a few minutes of quiet coaxing from her three friends to get the story out of Willow. When she had finished, Giles was heading for his private collection of arcane works to research Anyanka, Buffy was squeezing Willow's arm in support, and Xander was grumbling about how his love life seemed to inevitably lead to incursions by dark powers. A look from Buffy quieted him, and she whispered to Willow, "At least you're all right, Willow."  
  
Willow looked up at the ceiling and blew air through her lips in frustration, then turned to her best friend. "Am I, Buffy? I get involved with some demon, invoking dark powers and unleashing a scourge back on the world. . .and why? Because I needed an ego boost to make up for my being upset about. . ." She paused guiltily, and stared at a wall, but Buffy and Xander divined what she meant, and both looked guilty as Buffy said quietly, "You should have told us you were still having problems with that, Willow."  
  
Willow looked back at Buffy, and abruptly she could not hold back any longer. "I'm sorry. . .you know that I love you both. . .it's just that sometimes I think that life would be easier if. . .I just wish that Angel's curse had been unbreakable, that would have made things different." Her vision clouded for a moment, and she felt dizzy. When she could see clearly again, Xander and Buffy were gone, and the library seemed subtly different. She quickly realized that the dark blinds that had been installed after Giles had been turned into a vampire were gone, and sunlight streamed through the window. She had little time to ponder this before Jenny walked into the library, apparently oblivious to the wide shaft of sunlight that would be fatal to any vampire directly in her path. She screamed, "Jenny, no, stop!"  
  
Jenny looked up, puzzled, but she kept moving until she was directly in the sunlight. Willow gasped, waiting for her friend to be destroyed by the merciless rays, only to see Jenny staring at the terrified young woman. Willow was paralyzed by shock for a long moment, then leapt to her feet and ran over to Jenny, hugging her fiercely, sobbing, "You're alive, Jenny, you're alive!"  
  
"Well I should think so, Willow. . .a dead woman would have a hard time marrying me in June." Willow turned to see Giles standing in the sunlight with a puzzled expression. He walked up to Willow and looked at her with concern. "Willow, are you all right? I knew that that binding spell we used to close the Hellmouth might have dangerous side effects. . .it's just that we had no choice." His face clouded over for a moment with sadness, then again changed to concern  
  
Willow's mind was in a whirl. . .Anyanka must have been listening, and granted her halfhearted "wish". Well, maybe it would make things better, even if she was evil. He thought quickly and came up with a plausible lie: "Giles, my memories seem to be all screwed up. . .like I seem to think that Angel's curse was broken last year when he and Buffy. . .well, you know. . .and he was evil and ended up turning Jenny into a vampire, then she turned you into one, then we re-cast the curse on all three of you."  
  
Giles looked horrified for a moment, then smiled and replied sadly, "No, Willow, the curse was never broken, though Jenny feared that it might after her uncle warned her. . ." As he spoke, images appeared in front of Willow's eyes, and she realized that she was seeing things as they had been in this world:  
  
*Jenny had burst into the corridor where Angel, Xander and Willow stood, warning Angel to stay away from them. Willow and Xander had stared at her, puzzled, while Angel asked her what was wrong. After a moment, Jenny dropped her guard and asked them all to come to the library. Once they were all gathered there, Jenny quickly told them who she really was and what she was doing there, and she told them what her uncle had told her about the curse. At that point, Angel and Buffy turned to look at each other, and Willow realized that they had made love, but that the curse had not been broken. Both Giles and Buffy had been inclined to be angry with Jenny, but they were stopped short by Angel, who told Jenny quietly that he didn't blame her people for still being angry with him, and that he still considered her a friend. Buffy had accepted that verdict, though she obviously still didn't feel completely comfortable with the whole thing. Wondering why the curse had not been broken, Giles broke out some of his mystical texts and discovered a spell that would examine the state of the curse on Angel. . .apparently some unknown magic had attached itself to Angel since the original curse was cast. . .as long as it was there, the curse would be unbreakable. *  
  
Willow's vision cleared, and she interrupted Giles, exclaiming, "Oh, I remember now! That's wonderful, Giles. . . I can't wait to see Angel again. . .he'll get a good laugh out of the whole "Evil Angel" thing. . ." She stopped as she saw Giles and Jenny exchange looks, and a chill went through her as she asked, "What's wrong? Isn't Angel around?"  
  
Giles walked over to Willow and put his hand on her shoulder, and Willow knew what he was going to say, though her mind screamed in denial even as he did so: "Willow, Angel is dead." As he began to elaborate, Willow's vision clouded again, and she was seeing more of what had transpired in this world:  
  
*There was little time for joy at the good news about Angel. . .Spike and Drusilla, concerned about the threat posed to their plans with the Judge by Buffy and her friends, staged an attack on the school when the Judge's power had reached more powerful levels, rather than the mall as she remembered it happening before. The two opposing groups had played a cat and mouse game in the corridors, with Buffy and Angel picking off the occasional stray vampire, then fleeing as the Judge, Drusilla, and their vampire escort approached. Buffy had the rocket launcher, but lacked an opportunity to fire for quite a while. . .eventually, the Judge and Buffy faced off across fifty feet of courtyard, but the Judge had reacted first, and his hands crackled with power as Buffy struggled to get the rocket launcher aimed before. . .Abruptly, Angel leapt from the shadows and grappled with the Judge. The demon's power flowed through his body and smoke began to rise. . .he should have died almost instantly, but he was of the line of the Master himself, and that powerful lineage was buying him precious seconds. Willow saw him lock eyes with Buffy and mouth the words, "I love you," and nodding. Tears streaking her cheeks, Buffy aimed the rocket launcher carefully as Drusilla, recognizing the danger, fled. She pulled the trigger, and the rocket streaked at the grappling pair and exploded, burning Angel to ashes and blowing the "invulnerable" demon to fragments. Buffy had crumpled into a heap, sobbing, while her friends stayed with her, suffering their own pain at the loss of a friend. . .*   
  
Giles paused in his account, seeing that Willow had buried her face in her hands and was sobbing openly. He could hear her whispering something, and leaned in to hear:  
  
"My God, what have I done. . .what have I done.?"  
  
  
  
As always, comments are welcomed and desired  
  
  



	2. Part II

Part II  
  
  
"My God, what have I done. . .what have I done?"  
  
Giles and Jenny stood by helplessly as their young friend sobbed at the news about Angel, assuming that she was upset by the sudden return of old memories, not realizing that this was all new to her and that her feelings were of guilt, not just loss. They were spared the decision of how to deal with Willow's trauma when two new arrivals walked in. The young man saw who was crying and dashed over to the table, sat down next to Willow, and called out softly, "Hey, Will, what's wrong?"  
  
Willow looked up and saw Xander's concerned face. Joy surged through her as she leaned over and frantically hugged her best friend. Xander was surprised by her vehemence, but went along with it, trying his level best to calm Willow down.  
  
"Careful, Willow. That's what got you in trouble with Oz the last time." The voice was teasing, yet affectionate. Willow looked up and saw Faith, looking amused. She smiled back at the Slayer and remembered her cover story before replying, "Uh. . .yeah, I seem to vaguely remember that, though the details escape me. . .uh, Faith, right?"  
  
Faith blinked in surprise when she perceived that Willow was not kidding, and Xander reacted in shock, whirling to Giles and demanding, "What's wrong with her?"  
  
The Watcher explained briefly, and Xander and Faith both looked concerned, then relieved when it appeared clear from Giles' account that Willow's memories were returning, though Willow could still tell that they were still worried about her, for some reason she was not yet aware of. Giles looked over at Faith and requested, "Get Oz, Faith." The Slayer nodded and walked over to Xander, whispering, "Keep an eye on her. . .we can't have our badass Wicca wandering around as clueless as you usually are." Xander looked momentarily outraged, but was interrupted in his retort by Faith kissing him on the lips, hard. Faith withdrew, grinning wickedly, and left the library without saying another word.   
  
Willow stared as Xander turned red, anticipating an angry outburst from a suddenly remembering Willow. She looked at him with a startled expression on her face, then shook her head in bewilderment as she whispered, "So. . .you and Faith? How did that happen?" Xander's stammered efforts to explain became quickly superfluous, as the events of the alternate timeline again began to reveal themselves to her:  
  
  
*Buffy had been crushed at Angel's death, but her friends were completely supportive of her, and she threw herself into her work with an almost reckless abandon. Spike and Dru had already fled from the wrath of the vengeful Slayer, and Buffy and her remaining friends had almost cleared Sunnydale of ongoing and episodic menaces when Acathla was discovered. As before, the Sisterhood of Jhe arrived, and only with the aid of Kendra-resulting in her death-did they once again avert the apocalypse. Buffy's deep melancholy and recovery took up the summer, as before, and the only difference in that period was that Cordelia met someone else over her summer vacation, ending the mismatched relationship between Xander and herself. Xander had been rather annoyed with life in general when Faith arrived in town with Kakistos on her heels. When Kakistos had been dealt with, Buffy and her friends rallied to the cause of boosting the younger Slayer's morale, and part of that effort had involved Xander escorting Faith to the Homecoming dance. Both were looking for a change of approach in their love lives. . .and what had been at first a platonic date sparked something more. . .Willow saw it coming before they did, and was not thrilled, but she cared far too much for Xander to interfere with his dealing with Cordelia-rebound. Then Spike's foolhardy kidnapping of her and Xander had thrown them into a tension-charged situation that saw them in a passionate embrace when Oz and Faith burst in to rescue them. Both were angry, but Xander was shocked when Faith forgave him after only a little groveling. . .apparently she could sympathize with the emotional consequences of tense situations. Willow had been more than a little annoyed when she had to work considerably harder to get Oz back. . .*  
  
Willow looked at Xander, who was still stammering out an explanation. She smiled at him and let him off the hook by commenting, "Never mind, Xander. . .I remember now, and I'm fine with it." Poor Buffy, she thought, I hope she found someone else. . .if I'd known he'd end up with Faith, I never would have made that stupid wish in the first place.   
  
Oz and Faith came into the library quickly, and Oz quickly walked over to Willow and kissed her on the forehead before looking at Willow with concern and asking, "Uh, you know who I am, right?"  
  
In spite of her growing dismay at the results of her wish, Willow smiled and replied, "For some reason, I seem to think you're the world's cutest werewolf," and kissed him. Xander, lifting a line from Oz, commented "The judges will accept that as a yes." For a moment, everyone in the room relaxed, as Willow almost seemed to be back to normal. . .then the other shoe dropped. Willow turned to Giles and asked, "Where's Buffy? I need to make sure that I haven't forgotten anything important about her. . ."  
  
Willow was interrupted by a choked sob from Jenny. She turned and saw that her older friend had turned away, and that Giles was comforting her. She turned to Xander and saw that his jaw was clenched with what she knew from long experience was a last ditch effort to suppress extreme emotion. She looked at Oz, and melancholy was clearly visible on his face. Lastly, she looked at Faith, and saw unshed tears glistening there. . .that display from the younger Slayer frightened her more than all of the other reactions combined. She locked eyes with Giles and whispered, "What happened. . .Giles. . .you have to tell me what happened." She waited for the memories to come, but they mockingly refused to come to her as they took her to the hospital.   
  
They entered a room in intensive care where Joyce sat by a bed containing her daughter. She looked up with concern as the group approached, and her face grew sadder as Giles leaned over and whispered an explanation. She looked at Willow and her voice was full of forced composure as she whispered, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this again, Willow." She looked back down at Buffy, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. Willow looked at her stricken friend for a long moment, then abruptly the images began to flow again:  
  
*Except for the absence of Angel, the second effort of the Sisterhood of Jhe to destroy the world had originally progressed as she remembered, with Xander off dealing with the bomb-building zombies while the rest of them dealt with the menace of the Hellmouth. However, without the formidable combat abilities of Angel to help them, Buffy, Faith and Giles found themselves increasingly hard-pressed by the multi-headed creature emerging from the Hellmouth. Willow and Jenny had almost finished the binding spell when Faith and Giles were both stunned by vicious attacks, opening a path to the two spell casters. Willow glanced over in the course of her chanting and saw a huge tentacle sweeping her way with terrifying speed. She was preparing to say goodbye to life when Buffy leaped in front of the oncoming menace; unfortunately, while she deflected the tentacle she was also thrown into a stone fixture, and there was the loud sound of breaking bone before the Slayer slid to the floor. Willow had to summon every ounce of discipline she had not to scream in horror rather than utter the last few syllables of the spell and send the horrid creature slithering back into the pit, screaming its rage. . .when it was gone, she ran over to Buffy and sobbed, "Buffy! Please wake up. . .please!" She was still in hysterics when Jenny and Faith gently led her away, both in tears themselves, as Giles called for paramedics to meet them out in front of the school . . .*  
  
  
Willow blinked, bringing tears, as she walked over to Buffy and held her cool hand as she asked Joyce, "What do the doctors say?" Joyce looked sadly at her daughter's best friend as she replied, "They just don't know, Willow. The doctors are amazed at her physical recovery. . .people take years to heal injuries like these most of the time, but after only three weeks most of the physical trauma is gone. . .but the head injuries. . .sometimes people just don't wake up even when the wounds themselves have healed. They say she could wake up a minute from now, or years from now." She put her face in her hands and began crying openly as Giles, Faith and Jenny moved to comfort her.   
  
Willow stood in total shock, her world in shambles over a momentary lapse in judgment. She backed away from the bed as the others watched her in open concern. Without another word, she fled as Xander called out, "Willow, wait! It's not your fault!"  
  
But it is, she thought as she ran out of the hospital and through the streets, not caring that at any moment a vampire or other creature of the night might encounter her and end her miserable life. She had ruined everything. . .all because she couldn't deal with the happiness of her two best friends. She stopped in her tracks and screamed at the top of her lungs, "DAMN YOU, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW! MORE MISERY FROM THE PATRON SAINT OF MISERY!" She sank to the ground, curling into the fetal position as she whispered, "I just wish that everything was back the way it was," inwardly ridiculing herself at the futility of the wish. . .  
  
"Done."  
  
Willow felt different, and she decided to open her eyes to see who had spoken. Anya was standing over her, the green necklace still clasped around her neck: she offered Willow her hand and Willow accepted the help in rising to her feet, her shock at the sudden change of situation totally disrupting rational thought. She looked at the clock on the classroom wall and realized that it was only a few seconds after the ritual ended. She took a few deep breaths, and calmed down while Anya waited patiently. Willow waited a few more seconds, then asked, "I don't suppose you'd like to tell me what just happened."  
  
Anya smiled and replied, "But I would, Willow. . .it's part of the geas that I have to complete before I leave this place." Seeing that Willow still looked unenlightened, she continued, "One of the requirements of the spell is that I do no harm to the person helping me with it, and that I grant them what they most want as a reward for helping. Only after that are my obligations to you complete."  
  
Willow was genuinely puzzled at this point, and expressed it. "But you granted my first wish. . .why didn't that discharge your obligation?"  
  
Anya smiled again and replied, "Because that isn't what you really wanted, Willow. . .oh, you may have wanted Angel to be free of the dangerous side of the curse, and you may have wanted for Buffy to have stayed with him for more than one reason. . .but the bottom line is that this has all been about you and Xander, and the answer to a question concerning the two of you was what you most wanted."  
  
Willow stared at Anya and asked, "What are you talking about?", although she was starting to understand what she was getting at. Anya looked at Willow and replied, "Willow, you love both Buffy and Xander, and you genuinely wanted them both to be happy. What you haven't been able to get over is the nagging sense that you should be with Xander, even though you are with Oz. But, even with Buffy out of the picture and Xander in a far less secure relationship than he was in the real world, you still chose to go back to Oz. . .because you love him. Xander will always be your friend, but you freely chose to let him go, and he is happy where he is. . .just as you are. You just needed to be reminded of it."  
  
Willow felt an enormous sense of relief as the horror of the last few hours. . .or had it been hours. . .receded to bad memories. She felt at peace with the former turmoil of her romantic life, and was inclined to be somewhat grateful, even though she had been tricked by the demon and uneasily wondered what havoc she would wreak on the unfaithful. She was still puzzled by one thing, though: "Uh, Anya. . .a demon in your line of work can't be too empathetic. . .so how come you understand how I feel about this stuff?"  
  
Anya scowled and replied, "It's part of the geas. . .and one I'm not too fond of. . .so, can you tell me that you're okay so that I can go back to work?. . .there's a big backlog of unfaithful men for me to punish." Willow winced at this comment, but managed to reply calmly, "I guess I'm fine now, Anya. Uh, thanks." She turned to leave and was stopped by Anya's voice: "Willow."  
  
Willow turned back to see Anyanka in her full demonic glory. She smiled and commented, "Thank you, Willow. By the way, if Oz ever strays. . .give me a call. I know some great torments for bad werewolves." The demon grinned at Willow, who stared for only another moment before bolting from the room. Anyanka laughed and commented, "Probably won't be hearing from her again. . .oh well." With a flash of light, she vanished, leaving only the ominous echo of her laughter.  
  
Willow slowed down when she realized that she was not being followed, and was enjoying the sense of relief that was settling over her like a comfortable blanket when Buffy and Xander walked up, greeting her. She restrained herself from hugging them both in relief and managed to calmly suggest, "How about us double dating on Friday? I hear there are some good movies out."   
  
Xander and Buffy looked at each other in surprise before Xander turned back to Willow and replied, "Sounds good to us, Will. . .but are you sure you're okay with this?"  
  
Willow moved between her two best friends, putting her arms around their shoulders as they walked down the corridor towards the library, replying, "I'm sure. . .it was just a matter of getting a little perspective, that's all." She laughed in joy and relief, and Buffy and Xander hesitated for only a moment before joining in. Willow's smile was one of deliverance as they entered the library.  
  
  
  
As always, comments are welcomed and desired  
  
  



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